Lived & Died
by The Sounds of Silence
Summary: I think about what could be, what could have been. What will never be. Chappie 7 is up, I promise it's angelic. Review!
1. Lived & Died

I have both lived and died, sometimes all at the same time. It is a weird way to live, as if your mind is running on the outside and your body is running on auto pilot. To tell the truth, I have lived like this most of my life. It shielded me through all of my pain, it helped me survive. And now that I have stepped back into my own shoes and started walking on my own again, I am lost and I am crashing even so.

There are times in life when we wish to simply disappear into the woodwork, to dissipate into nothing. And since this is molecularly impossible we therefore live through it, wounding as we do. These times have happened often in my lifetime.

There are the times you know about, Hank creating me to be the other women and then there's Grissom, to him I wasn't even worth the risk. But then again I wasn't worth anything from the day I was born. I was loathed and beaten from that day forth.

I never asked to live a life the way I do. I wish to erase all of my memories and my "minds filters"; I want everything to be gone. The only way to forget is to forget yourself, therefore not exist anymore.

I have spent many nights in the resolve of my nightmares, but more often, as of late, wishing I was the one abducted. The one to carry that scar because what is one more to my thousands. Nicky never deserved that, he's too good of a person. Besides he's been through so much already.

If I was the one buried alive, who would have cared if I died in there. Who would I have had to say goodbye to. Who would have taken care of my effects? Who would have cried at my funeral?

I wonder and I answer my own questions. Not liking them.

In this world, I am alone. Utterly, implacably alone. I am alone and I accept this fact, even though I hate it. I cry most nights, alone in my room, the four walls of my bedroom my only witness. Other nights I don't sleep at all, I sit up and write, or I think too much.

I think about what could be, what could have been. What will never be.


	2. Playful Manner

A/N: This story is dedicated to nickysbabygirl because with out this amazing girl this story wouldn't have been able to continue.

Sitting within the break room alone, is Sara lost in thought. She doesn't notice when other people file into the room, taking their seats. Not hearing when their supervisor hands out the assignments. Lost in her own world.

"I'm driving this time since I plan to live a little while longer," Nick said in a playful tone.

Nick gets up from his seat and finally notices that Sara hadn't moved since he had walked into the room. She was sitting forward in her chair, holding her head up with her hand.

He gently calls to her so as not to scare her, "Sara…," then a little louder, "Sara…," Sara still not hearing him; Nick used a greater voice then he had meant to use, "Sar!"

Startled from her thoughts Sara looks up, confused for a second, and then wakes up back in reality. She then stands up and stretches slightly exposing her midriff. She swiftly, yet delicately makes a quick move from her stretch, noticing Nick not paying attention to anything but her body, and grabs the keys to the car and the assignment slip out of his hand. Nick now being the one startled.

"You think I'm letting you drive? I don't think so Cowboy. Now let's go, we have a DB waiting for us out in the desert that wishes for us to find out why he is in fact a DB, besides David is out there in the heat and we don't want him dying on us with a heat stroke." Sara smiles at him and walks out the door, Nick says nothing but follows her out, watching how her hips moved side to side in front of him.

"Nicolas Stokes! You better not be looking at my ass cause' then that would mean I would have to kick your ass once were off department property."


	3. Harshness In Words

Sara's mood shifted as she drove the Denali out of the parking lot, her liveliness was gone and instead laid a form of unspoken sadness. Nick was not slow in observing this change but said nothing until he could no longer take the deafening silence that formed between them.

"Hey Sar, are you ok?"

"I'm fine Nick." She spat back, holding back words she did not know she held within her.

Shocked at the harshness in her words, Nick replied calmly a few minutes later. "I know when you're not ok, I can sense it Sara. We're friends; you know you can talk to me about anything."

Taking in Nick's hurt and genuinely concerned expression, Sara replied almost in a whisper, "Everything's fine Nick." Turning away her attention from Nick, Sara parks the car at the crime scene, shuts off the ignition, and finally turns back to look at him, "Don't worry about me."

Both walked in silence side by side as they approached the crime scene. Ducking under the tape with ease, they carefully approached a drenched, beat red David sitting within the shade of his truck.

"Hey David, you ok? You look a little ill." Sara asked concerned, putting a hand delicately on his shoulder. "Why didn't you sit in the truck with the air conditioner on?"

"Well I would Sara but its busted…please tell me you have some water."

Opening his kit Nick grabs a water bottle out and hands it to David. "Never leave home without one in this heat."

After taking a long swig off the water bottle David says,"Mind if I just cart this body off. I'd really like the comfort of a shower and a bed at the moment."

"Yeah, I'll just go take some photos and the DB is all yours."

Sara placed her kit on the ground and walked over to the body taking various angles of the crime scene in its undisturbed state. The smell was one thing she was not sad in seeing go.

About an hour later Sara and Nick had collected just about everything that looked remotely like evidence in about a fifty yard radius. They had barely spoken and only did so when they hopped back into the Denali after loading their kits and evidence bags into the trunk.

The air conditioner on high, sweat dripping from every inch of their bodies, Nick finally broke the silence, "You need to care more about yourself Sara."

Taking offence quickly Sara replied, "What the hell is that supposed to mean Nick."

"It means that you care more about others than you do yourself, and you forget yourself somewhere in the middle."

"I do not."

"Really so when was the last time you slept, or did something for yourself?"

"How is that any of your business, Nick?"

"Because I'm your friend and I care about you Sara, can't you see that?"

Sara does not respond and instead turns toward Nick, looking him straight in the eye. "I do care about myself Nick but it's just easier for me to take care of others."

"So, when you stayed with me after I was kidnapped, it was just taking care of another. It's easier that way because you don't actually have to feel anything."

"I've been through so much; I know how to take care of someone, because I do so like I wanted to be treated. And trust me Nicky I feel a lot more than you'll ever know."

* * *

A/N: So I pulled a cliffy. I promise to get to the bottom of it, I swear. I have three stories I am trying to keep up with and it is excruciatingly hard when my life does not stop beckoning me away from my writing. 

Hope you all liked this chapter. The next chapter is already written, so your reviews are influential, I'll update it either later tonite or tomorrow afternoon. Which would you prefer?


	4. Collapsing World

The drive back to the lab was eerily silent.

Neither said a word as they unloaded their kits and evidence bags. Neither said a word as they locked up the evidence in the vault. Neither said goodbye as they left the parking lot separately in their own Denali's.

* * *

Nick felt guilty for making Sara so distraught. He knew the look that she had held on her face, he knew he had hit a nerve deep down within her. One he had never meant to disturb or open like the many wounds he knew she kept hidden. 

He stared at his blank ceiling wishing silently that he could fall into a dark sleep, one in which would not contain the nightmares of his past. And hoped that Sara would find the same.

* * *

Sara sat alone within her living room, which wasn't much of a surprise. For who had she to sit there with, she had pushed everyone away. Even Nick, whom she now felt the need to go see, to apologize, to do anything. But her own stubbornness prevailed and she sat alone until the sleeping pills she had taken, finally took hold of her and whisked her away into the never ending darkness. 

Knocking sounded through the darkness. It broke her away from the black dream she had been dreaming. It vibrated through her eyelids rippling the dark water that filled them. She opened her eyes to take in the real world, the one she was momentarily trying to escape. She lifted herself up off of her couch and walked down the hall towards her front door. She didn't even bother to check the peep hole to see who was at her door. Instead she undid the latch and sliding chain lock, and swung open the door.

Standing there was Nick with an exhausted look etched across his face. "I've been knocking forever Sara."

Sara only nodded and walked back down the hallway and entered her kitchen, hoping that Nick would follow her. He did and stood at the entryway to the kitchen, leaning against it. He took in her disheveled appearance, her crinkled clothes. He watched her lazily take out two beers from the fridge and toss one to him. He caught it and quickly twisted the top off, taking a long swig from the cold draft.

Sara however just held the beer to her. The only sound heard through the house was the deafening echo of the glass bottle hitting the floor and the liquid that it contained rushing out. And then the sound of Sara's breathe rushing in as she felllifeless tothe floor.

* * *

A/N: Yes, we are back to the begining again. 

I might not update for a tid bit, as I am not sure when I will be able to write again and this is the last chapter I have stocked up.

As always: Reviews warm my heart.


	5. Awakening Anew

Nick stared as the bottle crashed to the floor. Watching as the liquid spilled across the floor like a wave crashing into the sand. Then he saw Sara fall after the bottle. At first he thought that she was trying to catch it; a delayed reaction, but when she never got back up Nick knew something was terribly wrong. She lay lifeless on the floor, her eyes wide open. Her chest did not rise nor did it fall. Sara's hair was draped across her face delicately. Her mouth lay closed; no words would pass her lips. Sara lay within the sea of green glass and foaming liquid unfeeling.

Next fell Nick's bottle to the floor adding to the sea of green glass. The liquid that spilled from his bottle lapped at Sara's arm that seemed to be reaching out to him, asking him to save her from the depths of darkness that she was now living in.

Nick rushed over to Sara and knelt down next to her. He checked for a pulse and found none. He checked for breathe and found none. Nick then left Sara and went for her phone.

9.

1.

1.

It seemed to ring forever until finally an operator picked up and took his name, the nature of the situation, his address, and sent the paramedics. He hung up quickly not wanting to leave Sara alone for long.

He wanted to know why Sara had just fallen lifeless to the floor. What was wrong with her? Would he be able to get her back? Questions floated through his mind as Nick began CPR on Sara.

* * *

They had pumped the life back into her.

Fists.

Paddles.

Mouths connecting.

All in the attempt to bring her back to the light of the living. And she had finally given in after twenty grueling minutes. Those twenty minutes seemed to go on forever. In slow motion, as if it would never end. As if she was never going to take another breathe within this world. Or any other.

But yet there she lay, motionless but breathing. Alive. And for that Nick was grateful. For he had so many unanswered questions. So many things that he had yet to say. So many things that could have been misplaced within Sara's loss of life. But yet there she lay, motionless but breathing. Alive. She would wake and he would know everything. He would tell her everything and he would show her everything that he had always meant to show her. He would make everything right.

The team visited one by one. None knowing what had happened to her. What had caused her to just simply drop to the floor. What had made her life escape her. They brought flowers and sentiments that they whispered into her ear. Reassuring her that all would be ok. That things would be different when she woke.

Nick, however, stayed right next to her, holding her hand, keeping her hair out of her face. Comforting her as much as he could, falling asleep only when his eyelids could no longer take the weight that lay upon them.

When Nick awoke he saw two golden-brown eyes staring at him. A smile played across his face when Nick saw her look down at him. Peace emanated through the room. A silent whisper between the two was all that was needed. Nick stood from his chair and sat on the edge of the bed taking Sara's small form into his arms. He held Sara to him for dear life and Sara clung back like the many nights they had laid together in the darkness warding off each others nightmares. Except this time Sara did not hide her feelings, she allowed herself to be comforted by Nick. Sara allowed herself to finally cry. And so they sat in the white washed room, no sounds but each others breathing spreading throughout the room.

* * *

A/N: Long time no see. I apologize greatly for the long delay but what can one do when life beckons.

As always review warm my heart.


	6. Falling Into Oblivion

Dawn broke upon the pair, lying within the white sheets of the hospital bed. They had slept through an entire night, peaceful and content to be together, like the many dark nights they had held each other to banish away each others demons. Their breathing rose and fell together adding to the tranquil ambiance.

Nick lay flat on his back with his arm slung around Sara's waist, holding her flush against him. Her head lay in the crook of his neck with one arm wrapped delicately around his head, while the other stretched across his stomach were their hands lay entwined.

Nick was the first to awaken to the rising sun that now played upon their faces. He looked down towards Sara and stared lovingly at her glowing face. Her cheeks were a small shade of pink, her lips an even lighter shade. Her eyes lay shut, her lashes splayed upon her cheek. Sara awoke soon after Nick; feeling his eyes on her. Their eyes now staring intently into each others souls, knowing nothing other then this, this being content with each other, more so then with anyone else in their entire lives.

A nurse walked in breaking the peaceful silence that lay between the two, to check Sara's vitals, take a blood sample, and her blood pressure. Sara turned away from Nick, now laying on her back and tried to sit up. Failing miserably. Both Nick and the nurse propped Sara up on a pile of pillows, making sure she was comfortable. After which the nurse went about her business quickly, only checking her bruises briefly and changing her hydrastinines, leaving the room quickly to leave the two alone.

The nurse, however, turned back and stood in the doorway breaking Nick's and Sara's gaze onto her, "The doctor should be in soon to discuss your treatments. Good luck to the both of you." The nurse smiled at them and turned once again, leaving the room to evaluate her next patient. Both Nick and Sara stared after her, hoping that today would be the day Sara would be released and allowed to go home.

Neither Sara nor Nick knew what had happened to Sara. Neither knew why she collapsed, nor why she stopped living for those twenty long minutes. Sara's smile faded away completely when the doctor walked in with a clipboard in hand.

"Sara Sidle. We're looking much better. How do we feel today?"

"Pretty well."

Flipping open the file atop the clipboard and studying it for a moment, "I'm Dr. Morrissey and I will be taking care of you from here on out. Your blood pressure is a little low but your hydrate levels are back to normal."

"So what's the problem?"

"Would you like to be alone while we discuss your medical concerns?"

Sara replied gripping Nick's hand tightly, "No. Whatever you have to tell me, you can say in front of him."

"All right. For starters, you have a significant amount of weight to gain. For a hundred and two pounds is ridiculous for a 5'9 adult women. So on your part I would like to see you gain at least fifteen pounds if not more. Along with this I would like to have you know that anorexia and bulimia are both very serious diseases and should be treated as such. However after examining you, your throat showed no signs of scaring or bruising and from there being absolutely nothing in your stomach what so ever, besides liquids, I'm going to diagnose this as anorexia."

Neither Sara nor Nick said anything, although their grip on each others hands had become excessively tighter. And therefore the doctor continued, "Symptoms for anorexia include anxiety, weakness, loss of at least three consecutive menstrual periods, brittle skin, shortness of breath, however I don't believe the last two concern you for you seem to drink healthily and seem to be in good physical health besides your weight issue. However to be sure we will need to run tests.There are also many medical risks associated with anorexia. They include: shrunken bones, mineral loss, low body temperature, irregular heartbeat, development of osteoporosis, miscarriages, the inability to become pregnant, and sometimes even death."

"In your case Sara, you came very close to being a definitive victim of the last. However, catching this earlier then in most cases, only a few of these pertain to you with the observation both myself and the nurses that have treated you have observed. You most defiantly show signs of mineral loss, you have a lower body temperature, as well as an irregular heartbeat. The reasons that I have deliberated for your collapse earlier this week have to deal with the malnutrition that you haveput upon yourself as well as the afore mentioned signs. Your body became so weak that it shut down completely in an attempt to recover energy and in a way life itself."

Sara had now adverted her gaze onto the far white washed wall, staring into it like it stared back into her. Except that it didn't, nor would it ever.

"Do you understand what I'm telling you Miss Sidle?"

Both Dr. Morrissey and Nick stared intently at Sara waiting for her to answer.

Except she never did.

An utterance passed her lips, incoherent in any tongue. Sara fell backwards her back arching and her arms and legs twisting inhumanly, her skin turning blue. Nick was thrown back off the bed and the monitor to which Sara was attached to started to beep rapidly as her heart rate increased dramatically. Nurses rushed into the room helping the doctor hold Sara down. Her IV's ripped from her arm from her uncontrollable jerking causing her to bleed profusely.

The noise level amplified as orders were handed out and Sara's utterances continued. A nurse helped Nick up off of the cold tiled floor and out of the room, shutting the door behind her. Grissom, Catherine, Warrick, Greg, and Brass stood in poignant waiting, Nick joining them at the observation window that Sara could be seen through. Catherine stood next to Nick and pulled him into a hug, but he did not take his eyes off of Sara. No one did.

And so they stood and watched as the minutes passed, as the doctors tried to calm Sara's uncontrollable rage, a rage in which she did not know she was having. Time was lost to her. But to them the time moved slowly, it passed before them like the horrific image before them. And then all fell silent in the world before them. Sara fell limp back onto the bed, her eyes staring unconsciously into the ceiling that she could not see.

* * *

A/N: A long chapter for the long wait. And yeah so please do not kill me.

As always reviews warm my heart.


	7. Stars Above

Sara now lay still underneath the white sheets of the hospital bed. Around her sat the only people she had. Her co-workers. Her friends. They were all one to her. Sara slept in her unconsciousness but everyone around her did not, they all held weary eyes open as they looked upon Sara, willing her to wake.

When Sara finally opened her eyes onto the new day, she sat herself up and looked upon her friends. She looked as if she had no memory of the events of the day before. Each of them looked upon her, and all showed their own form of relief.

Sara did not stay in the hospital for long, for she improved just as quickly as she had crashed. Medications were prescribed for her to take and Nick was the one that made sure that she took them. Nick slept on her couch in order to give Sara the space that she needed. He cooked all of their meals so that he was sure that she would gain the desired weight that her doctor had prescribed.

It had become a ritual for Sara to stand upon her balcony and stare at the stars with a wine glass in her hand ever night after dinner. Nick usually walked out onto the balcony and stood beside Sara. Most nights they stood in silence, but tonight Sara broke the fragile calm of the night.

"Do you ever miss home Nick?"

Shifting to look at Sara glowing in the light of the moon, replied, "Sometimes, I miss the silence of the country. But then again back home didn't have a skyline as beautiful as this."

"You don't ever miss your family and friends?"

"Of course I do. But I've got friends out here. And here I'm just Nick Stokes, criminalist, not the son of a judge." Nick pauses and looks out onto the skyline momentarily. "Why do you ask Sar?"

Sara turns toward Nick and answers, "It was just a question."

Not wanting to press the issue Nick changed the subject, "Will you let me show you something?"

"Show me what?"

Smiling Nick replied, "That's a surprise. But it does require an overnight bag."

Smiling back Sara replied, "Well Mr. Stokes you are in luck, I checked my schedule and it seems that I have absolutely nothing better to do."

* * *

Nick drove out to Lake Mead and stopped the car in a field that looked out onto the lake. Sara looked puzzled as they both stepped out of the car, she followed Nick to the lakes edge and stood beside him.

After a few moments, Sara asked, "We're sleeping at the lake?"

"It would seem that way wouldn't it Miss Sidle. And besides you need a little of the outdoors every once and a while you know."

Sara poked him in the side, "I do get out of doors."

Turning towards her, Nick whispered, "Not like this you don't."

"What do you mean?" Sara whispered back.

"Because as of right now this lake is the closest thing I could give you to the ocean tonight."

Sara smiled at his words, knowing that Nick understood her and why she had questioned him about home. Sara took his hand in hers and squeezed it, reassuring Nick that he had made her happy.

"You have no idea how much I've missed that smile of yours, Sar."

* * *

A/N: So yes I skipped the hospital bit, but honestly I really wanted to make it a sweet story again. Hope you liked it.

Reviews are the honey to my sweet tooth.


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